Why leaders must rethink workplace relationships
For decades, leaders have been told to separate work and personal life, to maintain professionalism by keeping emotions at bay. But is that truly possible—or even desirable? The reality is, leadership is deeply personal. The way you interact with colleagues, employees and teams mirrors how you relate to people in your personal life.
At Adeptus Leaders, our tagline reads: Be curious. Lead with love. Partner for impact. We hemmed and hawed about the word ‘love’. But as we reflected on it, we realised love is essential to our brand. As partners in business, we bring love to the table–to our clients, to our work activities, to each other. It’s time to look at leadership with love and use both in the same sentence without it being weird. Because at the heart of leadership lies love—not in a romantic sense, but as a way of being:
Love is living life from the viewpoint of being closely and/or intimately connected. It is the highest possible level of being with another person and/or oneself. Love transcends personal interests and is expressed through deep care, which can sometimes be firm, uncomfortable, or even stern when necessary for true growth and dignity. A healthy relationship with love means experiencing both caring and being cared for by others, conveying affection and care without fear of judgment or compliance, and having the courage to endure rejection or discomfort while still acting with care.
In this article, I explore how leaders can integrate love as a way of being into their leadership, and whether science can shed some light on the impact of a deeper level of connection at work.
The science of connection: Why workplace relationships matter
“The quality of our relationships determines the quality of our lives—including at work.”
– Esther Perel
Given that we spend an average of 81,396 hours—about nine years—at work, it’s no surprise that professionalism inevitably becomes personal. Workplace friendships often form naturally—through collaboration, coffee breaks, social events or shared life experiences. One day, you're just teammates; the next, you're bonding over weekend plans, parenting stories or mutual interests. Before you know it, the line between professional and personal starts to blur.
Scientific research confirms that human connection isn’t just a ‘nice-to-have’ in the workplace—it’s fundamental to performance, engagement and well-being because humans are wired for connection. Furthermore, neuroscientific studies show that trust and positive social interactions release oxytocin, the ‘bonding hormone’, encouraging deeper relationships and psychological safety. The workplace benefits are compelling: higher morale, job satisfaction and engagement. A 2023 Gallup study found that employees who have a best friend at work (including hybrid and remote working arrangements) are seven times more engaged than those who don’t.
It starts with you
Since human + human = complicated, the dynamics of leading workplace relationships can be challenging when setting boundaries, expectations and professional objectivity. Do you follow the lead of CNN Business that warns against having close friends at work, advocating for being friendly over making friends? Or do you side with Lynda Gratton, a professor of management practice at London Business School, who champions work friendships as lifelines in stressful times, essential for resilience and well-being? As a people leader, how do you navigate these complexities and the messiness of human relationships at work? The answer is to start with yourself.
An effective way to learn about yourself as a leader is by completing a Being Profile––an in-depth ontological assessment tool focused on performance, effectiveness and leadership. The profile includes 244 questions and takes about 45 minutes to complete. It measures 31 qualities or ‘Aspects of Being’, including love, compassion, vulnerability and forgiveness, words I certainly didn’t hear when I started working in the 1990s! Thankfully, these often relegated ‘soft skills’ are growing into essentials for the modern leader with the prompting of organisational leadership giants like Patrick Lencioni, Stephen M.R. Covey, Brene Brown and others.
If you’re curious to discover your relationship with the 31 Aspects of Being we all have in common but relate to differently, I encourage you to complete a Being Profile and debrief your results with an Accredited Practitioner. The Being Profile exposes you to the holistic Being FrameworkTM, a unique paradigm that supercharges self-discovery by combining behaviour, cognitive and personality-based approaches to understand yourself (and others) deeply. It is so powerful that it drove me to become an Accredited Practitioner myself.
Attachment theory and leadership
“Insecure attachment styles at work can lead to micromanagement, disengagement, and high turnover.”
– Dr. Amir Levine (Attached)
Knowing more about your attachment style in relationships is also beneficial. Attachment theory, developed by John Bowlby and expanded by Mary Ainsworth, explains how our early experiences shape how we relate to others. In the context of leadership, the four attachment styles – Secure, Anxious, Avoidant and Disorganised – influence how leaders build trust, navigate conflict and support teams.
Secure leaders promote deep trust, psychological safety and collaboration in the workplace.
Anxious leaders often seek excessive validation, struggle with delegation and can over-personalise challenges.
Avoidant leaders can resist emotional connection, avoid difficult conversations and sometimes appear detached.
Disorganised leaders typically fluctuate between anxious and avoidant tendencies, creating unpredictable dynamics.
When coaching and mentoring leaders in work relationships, their attachment style can present in different ways. Here are two examples:
Jamie, an Anxious leader, constantly sought reassurance from his team, struggled to delegate and took constructive feedback as personal criticism. This led to micromanagement and team burnout. I worked with Jamie to support him in improving his awareness of his anxiety triggers and the self-limiting beliefs that led there. During our time together, Jamie also learned how to interpret actions and behaviours in a more authentic and realistic way.
Alex, an Avoidant leader, is a high performer who avoids team collaboration and difficult conversations. Their reluctance to express care sometimes results in workplace tension and disengagement. We started working on improving personal relationship connections, as this felt more accessible to Alex, before focusing on their professional relationships. The learning edge around vulnerability and sharing emotions is progressing.
It is important to note that our attachment style or preference is deeply wired within our brain and remains static. However, we can learn strategies to cope with that style. For example, I’m inherently an Anxious leader. However, because I am aware of my tendencies, triggers and resulting moods, I know how to RESPOND rather than react in various situations.
You can read more about attachment styles and take a quiz to discover yours in my book, Real Me, Better We (get the ebook now).
Leading with love to build trust
At its core, trust is an expression of love in leadership. Stephen M.R. Covey’s The Speed of Trust highlights that trust isn’t a soft skill—it’s the foundation of high-performance cultures. Without it, teams suffer from low engagement, high turnover and inefficiencies. Mirror neurons help us instinctively understand the actions and intentions of other people. In the workplace, this means that when leaders express warmth and care, it boosts team morale and fosters a culture of trust. Neuroscientists like Iacoboni argue that mirror neurons are the basis of the human condition for empathy. Building genuine, trust-based connections at work isn’t just about friendship—it’s about creating an environment where people feel valued, supported and engaged. So, what does love in leadership have to do with trust? Let me explain.
As a leader, you can build a solid foundation of trust through love in several ways:
For yourself: Recognise attachment-driven behaviours in your leadership style and commit to self-awareness.
For your team: Create and maintain an environment where people feel seen, deeply cared for and valued, not just as employees, but as human beings.
For your organisation: Develop systems and processes that encourage trust, collaboration and accountability.
Building trust in the workplace fosters psychological safety—the belief that one can speak up without fear of punishment—which has been shown to improve team performance by 30%. Love isn’t about sentimentality—it’s about creating the conditions for trust, innovation and belonging. Consequently, love is as essential in the workplace as it is in every other aspect of our lives.
Love in leadership includes:
Care beyond self-interest: Supporting employees’ growth, even when it’s challenging.
Courageous honesty: Providing feedback with respect and care, not avoidance or harshness.
Emotional presence: Being engaged and present in interactions rather than distracted or distant.
Building trust over time: Demonstrating reliability, empathy and fairness in decision-making.
Reflection questions
Do your employees feel deeply valued, not just for their work but for who they are?
Do you model care in ways that go beyond compliance and performance expectations?
Are you leading in a way that encourages people to bring their whole selves to work?
Loving and leading in a remote world
“The future of work is the future of human connection.”
– Brené Brown
Remote and hybrid work have made intentional connection more critical than ever. But how do attachment theory, emotional intelligence (EQ) and love-based leadership translate in a digital-first environment?
We’ve all experienced the challenges: lack of in-person cues, misinterpretations and digital burnout—especially during COVID-19. As the ‘new normal’ evolves, leaders must remain vigilant in nurturing human connection, ensuring that technology doesn’t replace the warmth, trust and emotional intelligence essential to thriving teams.
Leaders can foster meaningful relationships remotely by prioritising:
Intentional check-ins that go beyond task updates.
Transparency in communication to build psychological safety.
Team rituals like Friday afternoon drinks and regular team meetings via Zoom or MS Teams that create a sense of belonging and shared purpose.
AI-driven tools can enhance efficiency, but they cannot replicate human emotional intelligence or the deep sense of connection that makes a workplace culture thrive.
Reflection questions
Are you proactively nurturing relationships in a remote or hybrid environment?
How do you ensure digital communication fosters warmth, care and trust?
Are you leading in a way that makes people feel genuinely connected, even from a distance?
Appreciation: The love language of leadership
Despite 79% of workers feeling engaged in their roles, studies reveal 80% believe their employer could do more to show appreciation.
You may be familiar with Gary Chapman’s ‘5 Love Languages’, which categorises how we give and receive love in personal relationships. In the workplace, Chapman and Dr Paul White adapted this concept into The 5 Languages of Appreciation in the Workplace. Understanding how employees prefer to receive recognition—whether through words of affirmation, quality time, acts of service, tangible rewards or physical encouragement (when appropriate)—can transform workplace relationships.
Want to learn your team’s appreciation style? Take my simple quiz and explore practical ways to integrate these languages into your leadership here.
Leadership is love in action
At its core, leadership is about relationships. The way you lead is the way you love. True leadership isn’t just about vision and strategy—it’s about how you show up, how you care and how you create environments where people feel deeply connected, valued, engaged and inspired. Love isn’t just for personal relationships—it belongs in leadership. How will you lead with love today?
If you would love to strengthen your workplace relationships, let’s grab a virtual coffee and explore how assessments, coaching and a love-centred leadership approach could transform your leadership and team.